Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Intro
Many people are steered in many directions throughout their lives. Most of, if not all of these changes are do to events that radically changed their lives. When I was younger the only thing I new I wanted to do when I grew up was to help people in some way. For me these events begin to shift my view starting when I was 10 years old. I was diagnosed with type one diabetes which is incurable, and forced me to change my entire lifestyle. As a diabetic, other events have pointed me towards Biomedical engineering as well. From breaking my neck, to seeing my cousin struggle to simply live his live while battling the disease, and meeting people who struggle with a common obstacle. These reasons have narrowed my major to be in the Biomedical field, with the plan of going to medical school.
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You have an incredible start to your paper. Is there a time before you were 10 that you knew that you wanted to help people? Than the part of you having diocese strengthened your choice. It is a really good story to tell, though. It is something that you had to go through and still have to overcome today. It is not just something you were once part of like most of the other stories that others will tell. This is not simply an emotional ordeal that comes and goes in and out of our minds. It is a battle that is always on your mind and it is with you physically.
ReplyDeleteYou have an incredible start to your paper. Is there a time before you were 10 that you knew that you wanted to help people? Than the part of you having diocese strengthened your choice. It is a really good story to tell, though. It is something that you had to go through and still have to overcome today. It is not just something you were once part of like most of the other stories that others will tell. This is not simply an emotional ordeal that comes and goes in and out of our minds. It is a battle that is always on your mind and it is with you physically.
ReplyDeleteBefore reading your intro and Ryan's comment I haven't thought much about someone in that position to be fairly honest. I knew people had it and i knew about it, but i didn't entertain the idea that it really is all the time. The second sentence to me seems a little out of place only because you say "THESE changes" but don't mention changes at all prior. IT IS however suggested. This isnt a total ends all mistake but i think it might help the flow and your reader if you work changes into the beginning sentence or remove the "these" unless you say something "these changes in direction" or some other indicator of what change. Nothing other then that except maybe some tense agreement in your verbage. (i.e. For me these events BEGIN to shift my view starting when I was 10 years old) should be began
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