The crowd
cheering, buzzers blaring, nets swishing, this is the 2012 FIRST robotics
competition and something that I hold near and dear to me. FIRST robotics is something
that made a huge impact in my high school years and a huge impact on my ideas
of what I wanted to go into college for. FIRST robotics teaches a lot more than
just how to build a robot it teaches someone public communication, marketing,
engineering, many types of design, persuasive writing, and gracious professionalism.
All of these things I breathe, eat, and sleep and im glad to say that I am a
FIRST robotics alumni and promote it to everyone. When I first went into high school I was sure
that I wanted to be a doctor and for reasons I was not entirely sure of and I just
kept my mind open while I was going through high school and there were a lot of
things that eventually helped me make my decision but none have affected me as
much as FIRST has. I think keeping your mind open to new possibilities is
probably the best thing you can do and to try to experience as many different fields
as you can to make sure you really go into something you love and something you
want to do like how I found engineering. There were so many events that
happened while I was in the robotics team that helped me decide to go into
engineering and I'm afraid if I tried to talk about all of them then I would
never be able to stop typing and you would eventually stop reading so I will
just talk about the most influential events that happened while I was in FIRST
robotics.
You have a great story thank you so much for sharing it with us. One thing is that it may be a good idea to explain what the FIRST competition is or what it is about. I am guessing FIRST is an acronym for something it could be a good idea to say what it stands for. You have a very good final sentence in your intro leading us into the body of your paper. The hook in the beginning of you intro was great because it got me interested in what was to come in your paper. It seems like this is some thing that you would be able to write a lot about because it is so near and dear to your heart.
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ReplyDeleteI have to agree with what Ryan said, about your grabber and the final sentence. They are very well put together and only interest me to keep reading. What didnt work for me though was towards the middle of your intro, your excitement and passion die away. Ultimately you can read your beginning with a booming commentator voice but then when you get to the point "FIRST robotics teaches a lot more than just how to build a robot it teaches someone public communication, marketing, engineering, many types of design, persuasive writing, and gracious professionalism." This point sounds like your laundry listing to an extent and it looses my appeal. If i were to write this I might cut something like that out and keep your audience reading. There also seems to be a shift in tone "When I first went into high school I was sure that I wanted to be a doctor.." at this point. I have always been told in my writing experience that the introduction should maintain one tone and flow smoothly and quickly. It might be something to reconsider when you are writing your rough draft. I wish I was on a robotics team....
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